Your need for connection…
I never wanted to be the life of the party, but the party made me feel alive.
It fed a deep need for connection, and that is what kept me in alcohol and drug use for many years.
Uncomfortable being alone and needing another to make me feel whole.
What I discovered through years of sobriety now, is that true connection comes with presence.
Presence of heart and Self.
Presence that is masked in altered states “just to be comfortable”, engaging, or because “that’s what we do” doesn’t really fill the deep-seated need for connection the way we believe it will.
I’ve come to see there’s actually a subtle emptiness to connection that comes from alcohol or drug induced relations.
An aspect of Self hidden or amplified “just to fit in”.
Perhaps you’ve felt this?
The True Self masked in the name of normalcy or seeking acceptance.
While, it might feel “easier” when you’ve had a few, there’s something lost when you can’t just be yourself.
This is the way I lived for years, but I didn’t know it.
It wasn’t until I stopped the cycle of drinking, that I found the truth of who I am without the masks.
I had to get to know this more raw and vulnerable self to truly love and appreciate myself. I had to learn to bring her out into the world. In doing so I found the connection I had been seeking all along.
It lived inside of me.
In my heart, in my breath.
And once I could actually hold space for this presence within, and not abandon myself for the other or the thing, it began to sustain me, and guide me.
And I “found me” in the most profound ways… the ways I always needed.
It’s been 15 years now since that misguided girl tried so desperately to feel loved. I didn’t realize it, but I had to ask her wild nature to step back so I could find my way forward.
But now that I’ve created a more stable environment and established a healthy connection with myself and supportive friends, I can feel her re-emerging. She recently guided me to let go of the weight I was carrying in my hair.
I didn’t know it was her inspiration until I looked in the mirror and saw her staring back at me.
It was like seeing an old friend you hadn’t seen in years.
Now that I’m feeling her presence more, I see the ways she’s been there all along, under the surface of my serious self, popping out more and more.
She is my playful, light-hearted self that needs to play a bigger part in my life, now that I’m not afraid she’s going to take me down a path I don’t want to walk.
I have the foundation of connection set and now she can play in my playground safely and authentically.
I’m so exited to see where we go!
What part of you is seeking connection in unhealthy ways?
What would it be like to give yourself the presence you truly seek?
How would you live, if you could trust yourself more?
Connect with me and allow me to support you along the path to authentic freedom.
True connection comes from within.
With love, always 💞
Brenda
