Reclaiming Wholeness…
A few weeks ago I decided to smoke some weed.
There had been a curious feeling inside me for a while. A desire to reconnect with something, I didn’t know what or why.
It had been four years since I had any and quite drinking, so choosing to have some I didn’t take lightly.
Surprisingly, my husband suggested it one night when we were coming home from boat work and had gone to the beach for an early evening swim. We were craving something fun and different. ☺️
Though I had been thinking of it, I hadn’t mentioned it to him. I didn’t want to feel judged or judge myself for wanting it.
And I was afraid I was going against an inner agreement.
When he suggested it, I agreed trusting the natural opening, but made the final decision his. I didn’t want to influence him.
In the end, he said “let’s!” and off we went.
So, after supper that night, I rolled us a small joint, we sat on the deck and let the sun set before us with a few puffs to add to the evening.
It turned into one of the most chill nights of my summer. I sat out under the night sky in the warm late summer evening, and my mind opened into a realm of “seeing the beauty” of the world around me with utter awe… (just ask my mom, we chatted on the phone for a couple hours that night.)
Since then, I’ve smoked a little over the weekends. Each time feeling I was reconnecting with another aspect of myself I hadn’t felt in a while.
Last night, I think I found what I was looking for.
I know because when I looked in the mirror I said, “Hey Brendrz, I’ve missed you!” Similarly to when I cut my hair and felt a reconnection to “Bren”.
“Brendrz” was a bit of my wild child, but she was a light in my life. She loves people and experiences, music and dance, and has taken me on many adventures.
I realize now, I needed to reconnect with her to bring her more fully into my life again. She’s there, but aspects of her have been dormant.
When I put down the drinking and smoking, I pushed away a valuable part of myself.
I’ve had experiences like this before, where reconnecting with an experience or relationship helps me reconnect with an aspect of me that I have judged, abandoned, or silenced.
This brings me a new awareness… when we choose to let something go, we have to make sure we don’t let the unique light of ourselves go with it.
We have to bring all parts of ourselves along our journey.
I’ve seen this so many times with myself, and clients, when we shamed, judged and oppressed parts of ourselves, but in learning to reclaim those parts of ourselves, we regain a more whole feeling of ourselves.
Sometimes we have to put down a belief or attachment tied to an experience, but any part of us tied to it still has value and purpose, and the essence they used to bring changes into something more valuable. Such as judgement into empowerment, fear into courage, or grief into love.
Every time we bring a part home, there’s new trust, inspiration, power, and authenticity that emerges.
The feeling of bringing more wholeness is quit liberating.
It’s taken many years, and many lessons, but I feel more and more whole all the time. I don’t think I’ll keep smoking weed in very often, or in the long term, but I’m grateful for what it has brought me today.
Can you see how life is supporting you in reclaiming yourself in new ways too?
What experiences have serendipitously given you new insight into yourself?
Maybe you need to help to find your way toward your lost parts of you?
However you are, I want you to know, you are deserving of your wholeness. And if you need support in the reclaiming, please reach out anytime.
Together, let’s compassionately lean into bringing our whole self home.
Love 💞
PS… Brendrz is reminding me of things I love to experience, and together, we’re cooking up some experiences we think you’ll like too! Stay tuned!
